It's 1755, and You Are Reading the Bulwark

Just a little spoof of The Bulwark so we can laugh instead of scream

I think there is no greater weapon against fascism than humor. Fascism can’t laugh at itself, it can only ridicule others, which is how you know it’s a failed philosophy.

So with true admiration in my heart for some good, patriotic people, I present my version of the daily Bulwark newsletters if they came from the year 1755. If you haven’t checked out the Bulwark, I recommend it. It’s a great place to discuss politics with people who haven’t forgotten history and how we got here.

I apologize beforehand for any offense I give unintentionally. Please let me know in the comments if I’ve stepped over the line anywhere and I’ll edit.

NEWS MISSIVES FROM THE BULWARK

Morning Tipples from Mr. Wm. Kristol, well-known orator, excerpted

… The “Sons of Liberty” have plans for improving trade and commerce, roads and waterways. They claim state legislatures can now do for the public whatever they are entrusted to do. Have they read their Cicero, or are they like Champlain sending iron pyrite back to Paris as gold? But I digress ….

… I fear that personal liberties will come under attack from the power of Big Assembly. But there’s no need to reach for the tar and feathers just yet. The Sons need a firm father figure to guide them mellifluously and expediently to the Promised Land. Therefore, let it be known that I wholeheartedly endorse Benedict Arnold, who future generations will remember for his modest goals and sober mien ….

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Town Square Congregant: I regret that you did not consider science or natural philosophy when deciding who has the best qualities to lead our movement. A true centrist would be objective. In order to make a sound decision, we need to hear from the phrenologists.

The French are winning. Let’s not pretend they aren’t. We need to face hard truths.

The Trinity from Mr. J.V. Last, natural philosopher, excerpted

I.                     It’s Darkest Before the Dawn, but Then it Gets Dark Again

… We shouldn’t ignore the French victories at Ticonderoga, Oswego, and now Fort Duquesne. Today, I would estimate the chances of total French victory in North America at greater than even. It’s not out of the realm of reason to expect the whole continent to be speaking French by the end of the century. King George’s new policy of paying cash for Canadian Indian scalps is not a policy of people who are winning a war.¹

1. The British War Department’s plan to take the St. Lawrence River amounts to wishful thinking when they can’t even hold Fort Niagara.

II.                   Focus Assembly with Mrs. Longwell (who is not entitled to vote)

Mrs. Longwell was courteous enough to invite me to an assembly of citizens from the Pennsylvania Colony. It was perhaps not what I was expecting.

Mr. Ebenezer Smith, a blacksmith: “I don’t want smallpox inoculation occurring in my town. These so-called doctors are charlatans.”

Mr. Elijah Sawyer, a sawmill yard worker: “Just the other day in the tavern, I heard that a woman who had been inoculated bore a child with a second head.”

Mr. Last, a flummoxed observer: “A second head?”

Mr. Sawyer: “Aye. It didn’t talk, but it had one blue eye and one brown eye.”

Mr. Smith: “That’s true. My sister told me about it. She also told me that the young people are inoculating each other at Satanic parties. With Savages and Frenchmen.”

Mr. Johann Biermacher, a brewer: “Could you imagine your daughter being courted by an inoculated person? Or a French Catholic?”

Mr. Sawyer: “God Above! Keep inoculation out of my colony!”

Mr. Last: “Mrs. Longwell, did you inform your assemblage that inoculation prevents smallpox?”

Mrs. Longwell, a wise sage who, we assure you, will never be allowed to vote: “I apologize, Mr. Last, but this exercise is for your education, not theirs.”

If you would like to discover how the printsetters represented my tortured screams, pick up the latest Focus Assembly pamphlet.

III.                 The Most Beautiful Clock in North America

…. Pennsylvania clockmaker and millwright Joseph Ellicott completed this complicated tall case clock. On three separate dials, it tells the time and shows the phases of the moon; depicts on an orrery the motions of the sun, moon, and planets; and plays selected twenty-four musical tunes on the hour.

The musical dial on the Ellicott clock allows the listener to choose from twelve pairs of tunes. Each pair includes a short tune and a long one. On the hour only the short tune plays, but every third hour, both play. During a tune, automaton figures at the top of the dial appear to tap their feet in time to the music, and a small dog between them jumps up and down….

Read the entire missive. https://www.si.edu/object/tall-case-clock%3Anmah_1204841

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Town Square Congregant: Regarding item 1, Mr. Last, I have always claimed that the merchant has no country. And I do not appreciate Mr. Thos. Jefferson below appropriating that phrase from me.

Town Square Congregant: Two pounds for a clock! For that price, it should gently rustle my bedding to wake me in the morning, warming my feet before I rise… But perhaps I share too much with my fellow congregants?

Town Square Congregant: What is there to say about the Focus Assembly citizens that has not already been said? It occurs to me that we would do best to follow the practice of our wise forefathers, who left Pennsylvania to the Savages and the Amish.